Sanjay Shukla

Phew! Finally, I am back in the office after travelling around the Himalayas and meeting the Bulletproof Monk, who sold his Tata Nano. I had gone on this break as I saw “What’s Your Rashee” (an Indian Hindi comedy film) on an OTT platform and developed a strong repulsion against writing horoscope predictions. My company was happy to entreat me on holiday to the Himalayas and get my soul back. I am perfectly fine now after moving across the world over the past few weeks.

It was a very enlightening journey! I saw Crouching Chinese and Hidden Soldiers in the India-China borders. I saw Europe’s warm winter robbing Putin’s plans to freeze them. I saw Meta, Twitter and Amazon showing the world how to treat their employees. I saw the pandemic take numerous avatars – rise in food prices, higher interest rates, civic unrest and more. After gathering so much knowledge and experience, I finally summoned all my wisdom to predict the following set of happenings this year for you people:

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will receive a mail from the Joe Biden administration asking for your views on the new COVID Omicron Variant. You’d surf the net, read up a lot about it, and then take up the survey to express your views, even though you are just another jobless guy in India. You need to get out of this state of illusion and get a life. Take three spoons of Horlicks in a cup and mix one spoon of electoral powder into it. Pour hot goat milk into it and offer it to a horse with red blinkers. You’d be blessed.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You could have a heart attack watching a reality show this month, so avoid them. But on second thoughts, you might as well try it. You’d be in the newspapers, either in the ‘oddly enough’ or ‘obituary’ section. Start adding journalists on facebook and Twitter, as this could be your month. If you are not too keen on getting mentioned in newspapers, change your television viewing habits. Try Radio. No, not that Arijith Singh one, the one which is listened to by call center workers while coming back from work in the company vehicles.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

No, don’t even think of giving away your six months old baby to the television producers for “pati, patni aur woh”. When your baby grows, he’d give you away to the same producers for a reality show called “mujhe iss buddhe se bachao” involving torture of senior citizens. If you want your baby to earn and have a good life, you could think of bringing him/her up as a doctor, as we’d have many more sick people in India in days to come. If you have already given your baby for the show, you must wash three dirty donkeys near the bank of the nearest river each Monday to Friday at 9.00 PM sharp during the prime time, failing which you will lose all your money!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

People belonging to UP and Bihar will have a gala time in Maharashtra, go party on the streets. You will be showered with love and affection for your unbridled show of being happy-go-lucky blokes. Your lucky letters are M, N and S and all the coming days in January are lucky, especially after polling for the assembly elections. Cancerians living in other part of the country may not be as lucky as their Bhaiyya counterparts living in Maharashtra but they would still have good news coming their way, provided they offer milk to snakes each Sunday.

Leo (July 23 – August 23)

You will make new friends this month, because your old friends had already dumped you last month, some even vanishing away with your wallet with credit cards. Chose your friends carefully as they may be cannibals hunting for food. If you are single, don’t rush into a relationship. Basically, you need to be extra careful this month and keep your eyes and ears wide open. Put three drops of rosewater in both your ears each morning and clear your eyes with buds after waking up. May lord be with you!

Virgo (August 24 – September 22)

“tumhara zodiac sign virgo hai na? hai ya nahi?” remember that television commercial for virgin mobile? A similar predator, on a mission to destroy your virginity, will try to hit upon you when you’d be traveling with your mom to your hometown. Hit him with your high-heels in a way that punctures his cheek. Don’t worry, India has a defunct railway police, and no case would be registered against you. So chill! If you are a man, a similar gay predator will hit on you, and you know what to do.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

Your zodiac sign is also the symbol of legal system, but you could have serious trouble in legal affairs this month. The judge will try to grab your land. Land, yes, the one you either plow or have your property erected. Not much is known how to deal with such cases, but God is merciful and omniscient. You should fast each day when the hearing for the case comes up and send flying kisses to the judge when nobody is watching. Also, donate black coats for buffaloes for the coming winters.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)

The union of Jupiter and Neptune in your birth chart suggests that you’d not be able to fart for the whole of this month. While this may sound like a good news to you, the worse part is that the air will keep on accumulating in your intestines and you would start looking like The Nutty Professor. You would be able to finally pass the wind when February comes. If this thing shit scares you, you should practice kapal bharti and jog for three kilometers every morning.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

I’m sorry but you are going to have a nightmarish month ahead. You’d have strange apparitions and you’d hate everyone in this world. You’d feel that even the pigeons in your locality are showing their middle fingers to you. Your boss will hand over a horrible performance review just after you’d have invited him for a dinner at your house. If you are a student, you’d always find a pebble in your mess food. If you want to protect yourself from such calamities, you must take bath after breaking an egg on your head.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A drunk old man will bless you with the finest wishes you might have ever received, and there is good chance that his blessings could come true. You would meet this old drunk man on a railway track in the middle of night on any lucky day of October. You are advised to spend most of your nights on railway tracks in order to bump into that elusive old man, who can change your life. If you let this opportunity go, you’d have to wait for another thirty five years.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)

Dude, it’s domestic violence awareness month, and beware, there is a good chance that your wife’d bash you up. She’d come to know about your secret affair with the cobler’s wife, for whom you’ve spent hours in the washroom (sitting on your commode) daily. Protect yourself against this impending danger by feeding wada-paav to three hungry hogs each Friday morning. If you are a woman, you don’t need to worry much, as your husband has already been warned. If you are a kid, you’re gonna have a rocking month seeing your parents behave really well with each other.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)

You will develop a strange fetish for armpits this month, which might stick with you for the rest of your life. You will spend most of your time searching pictures of celebrity armpits and storing them on your personal computer. But the good news is that finally, you would have a genuine hobby of yourself, and would give up that lame stamp collection activity that you had started after that loser, calling himself a career counselor, came to your school and advised you to develop a hobby to get jobs or to get into top b-schools. You had liked the word philately and had started the stupid stuff, remember?