Sanjay Shukla

A group of supernatural creatures voted Indian news channel Bakwas News as the best news channel of the last decade. The winner was chosen after thousands of bhoot (ghosts), pishaach (devils), djinn (genies), him-maanav (Himalayan Yetis), taantrik (black-magicians), chudail (vamps), daayan (witches), ….etc. took part in an occult poll conducted by Bekar Group. Only Hindi news channels were selected for voting by the group in the first round.

“Watching Bakwas News is awesomeness.” said the paataal ka bauna (the dwarf (midget) from the underground) as he expressed his deepest delight after the results of the poll were announced, where Bakwas News grossed more than three-fourth of the total valid votes polled. Vampires and other members of the group belonging to the Telangana State didn’t participate in the poll to register their protest for not including a Urdu News Channel run by Owaisi brothers .

“I am pretty sure our bhoot brethrens from Telangana would have voted no differently.” said the kapde churane wala bhoot (the ghost who stole your clothes), expressing confidence that the results would have been no different either ways. “There is a near unanimity among all of us on the issue of Bakwas News. We all love when they break news.” added the cloth-stealing ghost.

When asked why these allegedly ghoulish creatures loved Bakwas News so much, all the ghosts and witches started laughing devilishly. They laughed continuously for around two hours, pausing thirteen times in between to take commercial breaks, before their leader, the pyaaz maangne wali chudail (the onion loving witch) spoke up.

“We used to love Ramsay Brothers, but those guys stopped producing quality movies and moved to television with Zee Horror Show. But even that show stopped when the world moved into 21st century. Our TRPs were falling like crazy. And then, the 9/11 attacks happened; the world got besotted with terrorists thereafter. We were like, what-the-heck; nobody seemed to be terrified of us anymore. Some of the good people like David Icke tried to blame 9/11 on people like us, but no one took them seriously. We were so depressed.” said the onion loving witch, as other members of the group nodded in agreement.

The members surprisingly revealed that they were not so upbeat when Rubbish Sharma launched the channel in 2004. They thought it was just another news channel for human beings. But their interest level went up when they saw Shakti Kapoor molesting a girl on Bakwas News. Excited at the scenes, the members decided to become patrons of Bakwas News.

“Our loyalty paid off. Soon we were back in news and business.” said the witch, grinning and smiling. The members vehemently denied that they had any stake in Bakwas News. “We are poor people; we can’t invest or buy stakes in your modern businesses. But if we had money, we surely would have invested in Bakwas News.” admitted the witch.

All the witches, ghosts, vampires, black-magicians, devils,…etc. have wished all the best to Bakwas News for the new beginning.