Sanjay Shukla

There are rushes, there are stampedes, there are long queues, and then there this anxiety whether you’ll get that coveted seat/plate or not… Yeah! I am talking about wedding reception dinners.

It all begins with the guests slowly piling up in the hall, building into an army that cannot wait to unleash its wrath. Everyone has come for two purposes: taking a photo with the couple on stage and then going crazy at the dinner table or buffet counter. Actually, it’s just the latter one.

Taking the photo is nothing but a unnecessary obligation. Neither the people/guests nor the couple on stage is excited about it. The couple, in particular, does not want pictures with 500-odd people whose existence was never a part of their sphere of life until a few seconds ago. People just see those long lines for photographs as the time cost of accessing the limitless plates of food they have been getting wet dreams.

While the waiters have been roaming around with starters from the beginning, most of the people feel neglected. Every time a waiter comes close and the exact moment people stretch their arms to grab a dozen cheese corn balls, they turn away. It’s a tragedy. In addition, kids running around the hall occasionally grab all of them from these waiters, further reducing the supply of starters and increasing its scarcity. Clearly, the starters are not going to pacify this crowd and matters start heating up.

At this point, everyone is in a dilemma whether to stand in line and wait eternally to reach the stage and finish with that photo ceremony? Or rather walk quietly around the buffet counter like a vulture and wait for the first signs of its opening? But, smarter ones hedge their bets- They stand near the stage for photos while asking their kids to check around the dining area.

Lo! Suddenly, the chat counter opens out of nowhere. Some insiders, presumably close relatives and cousins of the groom, knew exactly when that will happen and manage to position themselves strategically to gobble those Pani Puris. But the entire dinner section is still not open. So most of those seasoned uncles hold their horses.

They don’t rush for the snacks, lest they’d be perceived as greedy geeks. At the same time, those close relatives and cousins continue to binge on their 7th plate of Tikki, cutlet and pani puris dangerously on the brink of violent dysentery.

Meanwhile, the line for photos continues to grow and the waiting guests soon get frustrated. Their hunger is reaching dangerous levels already, and the enticing menu items threaten to turn their salivation into a veritable flood.

Meanwhile, some free-thinking “baghis” (revolutionaries) decide to skip this photo line at the stage and start queuing up for the seat or plates. Their hunter-gatherer mind tells them, “Enough of this blody waiting, I want my “Malai Kofta” and “Paneer Lababdar”.

And… all it takes is for a few desperados like them to start queuing up. It’s enough of a precedent, bringing a barrage of people behind them. And the queue turns into a serpentine line stretching a few kilometres.

“An ever-growing queue pulls in even more people.” Does it not remind you of a multi-level marketing scheme? At one point, even the parents of the couple ditch the photo ceremony, They start lining up for dinner. Their logic dictates that they can’t risk missing out on the Navratan Khorma and Paneer Makhani, the crowd favourite on such debauched occasions.

After endless waiting, the caterers finally get the go-ahead. The floodgates open, and what ensues is a level of barbaric looting that makes the Vikings look like the epitome of sainthood.

Plates clank, gravies fly, people ransack the last vestiges of the Hakka noodles and world peace seems like a myth as war rages at the live pasta counter in a bid to ensure that nobody in the family walks out without gaining a few kgs. Separate skirmishes go all over the ground to secure a seat at the limited number of tables.

And yet a few are putting every living cell in their body on notice and go berserk at the dessert counter.

Amidst these scenes of gastric warfare, the couple feel neglected. Even the cameraman and his crew left and are now seen destroying the non-veg section. 

Realizing the perverse nature of the event, even the couple rush into the dining area, as FOMO reigns supreme and the entire reception turns into a giant orgy of endless hogging and looting.

The warring continues until the caterers threaten to raise the per plate cost (including the charges for smashed cutlery.

After watching all this from a distance at a recent wedding reception, I must admit it. Each person has a dark side. The easiest way to bring it out is to make them wait for the reception dinner.