TRP… Bakwas News
A group of supernatural creatures voted Indian news channel Bakwas News as the best news channel of the last decade. The winner was chosen after thousands of bhoot (ghosts), pishaach (devils), djinn (genies), him-maanav (Himalayan Yetis), taantrik (black-magicians), chudail (vamps), daayan (witches), ….etc. took part in an occult poll conducted by Bekar Group. Only Hindi news channels were selected for voting by the group in the first round.
“Watching Bakwas News is awesomeness.” said the paataal ka bauna (the dwarf (midget) from the underground) as he expressed his deepest delight after the results of the poll were announced, where Bakwas News grossed more than three-fourth of the total valid votes polled. Vampires and other members of the group belonging to the Telangana State didn’t participate in the poll to register their protest for not including a Urdu News Channel run by Owaisi brothers .
“I am pretty sure our bhoot brethrens from Telangana would have voted no differently.” said the kapde churane wala bhoot (the ghost who stole your clothes), expressing confidence that the results would have been no different either ways. “There is a near unanimity among all of us on the issue of Bakwas News. We all love when they break news.” added the cloth-stealing ghost.
When asked why these allegedly ghoulish creatures loved Bakwas News so much, all the ghosts and witches started laughing devilishly. They laughed continuously for around two hours, pausing thirteen times in between to take commercial breaks, before their leader, the pyaaz maangne wali chudail (the onion loving witch) spoke up.
“We used to love Ramsay Brothers, but those guys stopped producing quality movies and moved to television with Zee Horror Show. But even that show stopped when the world moved into 21st century. Our TRPs were falling like crazy. And then, the 9/11 attacks happened; the world got besotted with terrorists thereafter. We were like, what-the-heck; nobody seemed to be terrified of us anymore. Some of the good people like David Icke tried to blame 9/11 on people like us, but no one took them seriously. We were so depressed.” said the onion loving witch, as other members of the group nodded in agreement.
The members surprisingly revealed that they were not so upbeat when Rubbish Sharma launched the channel in 2004. They thought it was just another news channel for human beings. But their interest level went up when they saw Shakti Kapoor molesting a girl on Bakwas News. Excited at the scenes, the members decided to become patrons of Bakwas News.
“Our loyalty paid off. Soon we were back in news and business.” said the witch, grinning and smiling. The members vehemently denied that they had any stake in Bakwas News. “We are poor people; we can’t invest or buy stakes in your modern businesses. But if we had money, we surely would have invested in Bakwas News.” admitted the witch.
All the witches, ghosts, vampires, black-magicians, devils,…etc. have wished all the best to Bakwas News for the new beginning.
Terror Attacks and Indian News Channels
The whole nation was shell-shocked when Sanjay Shukla, a 46-year-old unemployed writer, forgot that it is 26th Nov’, the day Mumbai terror attacks happened. This… despite the fact that all the news channels of India were relentlessly trying to remind everyone that Mumbai was attacked and hundreds of innocent people were killed exactly a year back. Sanjay’s atrocious amnesia came to the fore when he appeared live on Bakwas News, a famous TV news Channel with highest TRP rating.
“What are we discussing here? Why have you called these models and actresses? And you just played that music video, why? I’m sorry I’m completely at loss and I can’t think straight. Are we discussing some film that is going to be released tomorrow? What is that ‘lest we forget’ stuff backstage? What are we forgetting here? Please help me, I can’t recall anything.” Sanjay appeared totally baffled and scatterbrained in the middle of the Bakwas News’ Live show called “Mumbai has won”.
Rubbish Sharma, the Bakwas News newsreader who was anchoring the show, whined (in his usual signature style) as soon as Sanjay expressed his failure to recall the 26/11 events. “Irresponsible people like Sanjay are letting us down!” Rubbish Sharma pronounced with his index finger pointing towards the sky and his burning eyes looking straight into the camera, before he directly addressed Sanjay by pointing the finger at him, “Can’t you recall how our countrymen were butchered like lambs a year back. How can you forget Sanjay? We showed all those stuff Live and Exclusive! Can you recall now?”
Sanjay couldn’t recall stuff as an offending nation watched him blabbering live on television. Finally, Rubbish Sharma had to announce a commercial break after his repeated attempts to make Sanjay recall the events of 26/11 failed flat. During the break, Sanjay was taken away from the live show and handed over to his friends. “Mumbai has won” resumed after this minor hiccup with all the guests vivid with their memories and demanding some sort of action to be taken against the problems.
“I don’t know what happened to him suddenly. He has a good memory and he remembered everything till yesterday. And tell me, how can you forget the events of 26/11? You forget something only when there is some change or a considerable time has elapsed. There hardly has been any change on any front” Sanjay’s friend John Ravi told Bakwas News as he took away Sanjay from the venue of “Mumbai has won”.
Sanjay was later taken to a hospital. He is apparently the only Indian being treated for such sort of amnesia, as the rest of India thinks they have not forgotten anything.
But, Sanjay had many questions running on his mind. He was wondering, “Why such shows? What comes out of these shows? Does it change your routine? Does it bring about any change in the mind-set of people and Governments? What will you do by remembering it? Who has really won from the attacks? What wil come out of these grindings except raising TRP ratings of TV channels for more commercial adverts?
Death of a Patient or Death of Ethics???
What happens when a patient dies in a Private Hospital?
A news channel that is at the bottom of the TRP (Television Rating Point) breaks this news in bold and screaming letters with a menacing background score – ‘Hospital’s or Doctors’ Negligence claims a patient’s life!’
Caught off-guard, another news channel, eying the next week’s TAM (Television Audience Measurement) ratings, joins the melee with a news flash: `Media barred entry into Hospital’s ICU!’ Not willing to yield space to its competitors, one more news channel asks its crew to stage a Dharna at the hospital premises and before they reach the venue runs the scroll – `Journalists and Cameramen Stage a Dharna’.
Then follows an outbreak of breaking news:
- Relatives of the dead patient ransack hospital premises, damage furniture and beat-up the duty doctors and nurses
- EMJA (Electronic Media Journalists’ Association) condemns violation on press freedom
- Opposition parties flay all private hospital managements for its “profit making motives”
- Statements flood in from the leaders of opposition parties upholding media freedom
- Legislators along with their supporters descend on the scene; speak to the cameras, hail press freedom and demand action against the management.
Meanwhile, newsrooms come alive with debates over the dead patient. Animated discussions take place where trade union leaders, seasoned commentators as well as Senior Journalists lament on how profit-making Private Hospitals were responsible for all the ills facing the society.
They make a strong pitch for allowing news cameras into operation theatres – ICU wards as well – and earmark special areas in the hospitals for pitching tents to stage Dharnas and demonstrations.
And, if you are anxiously surfing the channels, looking for a doctor on any of the panels to know the cause of the patient’s death, you will surely be disappointed. None of the channels engage any medical expert to tell you what exactly went wrong.
When the hospital authorities issue an official statement announcing that the critically-ill patient died of cardiac arrest, it will be described as a “claim” and, as a rule, mentioned at the end of the news report. And, I am sure, it will not stand the rigorous scrutiny of the television debates.
— By
Sanjay Shukla “Lonely Recluse”
My Humble Tribute to a City that Changed my Life
Many years ago I travelled hundreds of kilometers from my home to *Kashi (also called Varanasi)* where I first lost, then found, and then ultimately became true to myself. They call it *Banaras* also. It is also considered to be the oldest city in India.
I found it to be the dirtiest city (heard it’s a clean city now) with river Ganges that’s polluted with dead bodies floating on it, and yet, I saw many coming to this city to die. Strange isn’t it? People come to any city to live, but people come to this city die. They call it a holy city, and believed that dying here gives them Moksh (Salvation).
It is in this city I lost interest in materialism, competition and consumerism. It is in this city I’ve forgiven myself and began to realize the importance of a slow life. A life without the rat race. It is here I realized that I am damned if I do not give back what I’ve taken from the nature. It is this city that gave me focus and laid foundation to my current life.
It was during this journey I discovered that there is an unexplored Kashi within each of us waiting to be discovered, a place of joy & sorrow, of darkness & light, with limitless potential, challenging every aspect of our being. To respond to its call is to be *forever transformed,* for it is during this journey of the soul that we confront who we are and who we can become.
#TheKashmirFiles – Our Own Schindler’s List
Seldom do I use this platform to post anything on movies… In fact, people closer to me know, I’m not much of a movie guy. I don’t go to theatres. I watch movies on OTT platforms & I’m selective about them too. But, after watching #TheKashmirFiles, I was numb. The movie is a grey, painful, gory & bitter depiction of the pain and trauma of the Kashmiri Pundits (thru the eyes of a protagonist). The movie is a tight slap on every one of us (including Govts & Media) who brushed this genocide (not an exodus) under the carpet (to be goody-goody with the society) and pretended nothing happened.
Some may call it a political stunt, others may say it’s an untrue documentary. For me, the movie was a thick dip of reality, coz I met many KPs at Amritdham Ashram, Manchirevula (Telangana) who were eye-witness to similar terror and mayhem on their kith and kin.
These are the truths that need to be told, however unpleasant or provocative a few may consider them to be.
The flick was an eye-opening journey of too many emotions. With real people and real emotions, it makes you feel guilty and leaves you with many questions and wondering about the authenticity of many so-called projected facts portrayed about Kashmir for years… The movie shamed mankind! The movie is our own Schindler’s List (depicting the Holocaust of Jews by Nazis during WW II) that flies in the face of the official narratives about Kashmir and India.
The actors brought life to the movie doing full justice to their roles… Anupam Kher did not play a role in it- he just lived his past. Mithun Chakravarty, Pallavi Joshi and Darshan Kumar make us sit back and go back to that time. You get engrossed with the happenings through their fine acting skills.
“It is not the lies that we tell that are so reprehensible. It is the truths that we hide that destroy us.”
Salute to the director and producers of #TheKashmirFiles who have shown the courage to show the truth as-is to the world.
SALUTE TO THE RESILIENCE OF KASHMIRI HINDUS.
Fun Astrology by Lay Astrologer
Phew! Finally, I am back in the office after travelling around the Himalayas and meeting the Bulletproof Monk, who sold his Tata Nano. I had gone on this break as I saw “What’s Your Rashee” (an Indian Hindi comedy film) on an OTT platform and developed a strong repulsion against writing horoscope predictions. My company was happy to entreat me on holiday to the Himalayas and get my soul back. I am perfectly fine now after moving across the world over the past few weeks.
It was a very enlightening journey! I saw Crouching Chinese and Hidden Soldiers in the India-China borders. I saw Europe’s warm winter robbing Putin’s plans to freeze them. I saw Meta, Twitter and Amazon showing the world how to treat their employees. I saw the pandemic take numerous avatars – rise in food prices, higher interest rates, civic unrest and more. After gathering so much knowledge and experience, I finally summoned all my wisdom to predict the following set of happenings this year for you people:
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will receive a mail from the Joe Biden administration asking for your views on the new COVID Omicron Variant. You’d surf the net, read up a lot about it, and then take up the survey to express your views, even though you are just another jobless guy in India. You need to get out of this state of illusion and get a life. Take three spoons of Horlicks in a cup and mix one spoon of electoral powder into it. Pour hot goat milk into it and offer it to a horse with red blinkers. You’d be blessed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You could have a heart attack watching a reality show this month, so avoid them. But on second thoughts, you might as well try it. You’d be in the newspapers, either in the ‘oddly enough’ or ‘obituary’ section. Start adding journalists on facebook and Twitter, as this could be your month. If you are not too keen on getting mentioned in newspapers, change your television viewing habits. Try Radio. No, not that Arijith Singh one, the one which is listened to by call center workers while coming back from work in the company vehicles.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
No, don’t even think of giving away your six months old baby to the television producers for “pati, patni aur woh”. When your baby grows, he’d give you away to the same producers for a reality show called “mujhe iss buddhe se bachao” involving torture of senior citizens. If you want your baby to earn and have a good life, you could think of bringing him/her up as a doctor, as we’d have many more sick people in India in days to come. If you have already given your baby for the show, you must wash three dirty donkeys near the bank of the nearest river each Monday to Friday at 9.00 PM sharp during the prime time, failing which you will lose all your money!
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
People belonging to UP and Bihar will have a gala time in Maharashtra, go party on the streets. You will be showered with love and affection for your unbridled show of being happy-go-lucky blokes. Your lucky letters are M, N and S and all the coming days in January are lucky, especially after polling for the assembly elections. Cancerians living in other part of the country may not be as lucky as their Bhaiyya counterparts living in Maharashtra but they would still have good news coming their way, provided they offer milk to snakes each Sunday.
Leo (July 23 – August 23)
You will make new friends this month, because your old friends had already dumped you last month, some even vanishing away with your wallet with credit cards. Chose your friends carefully as they may be cannibals hunting for food. If you are single, don’t rush into a relationship. Basically, you need to be extra careful this month and keep your eyes and ears wide open. Put three drops of rosewater in both your ears each morning and clear your eyes with buds after waking up. May lord be with you!
Virgo (August 24 – September 22)
“tumhara zodiac sign virgo hai na? hai ya nahi?” remember that television commercial for virgin mobile? A similar predator, on a mission to destroy your virginity, will try to hit upon you when you’d be traveling with your mom to your hometown. Hit him with your high-heels in a way that punctures his cheek. Don’t worry, India has a defunct railway police, and no case would be registered against you. So chill! If you are a man, a similar gay predator will hit on you, and you know what to do.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
Your zodiac sign is also the symbol of legal system, but you could have serious trouble in legal affairs this month. The judge will try to grab your land. Land, yes, the one you either plow or have your property erected. Not much is known how to deal with such cases, but God is merciful and omniscient. You should fast each day when the hearing for the case comes up and send flying kisses to the judge when nobody is watching. Also, donate black coats for buffaloes for the coming winters.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
The union of Jupiter and Neptune in your birth chart suggests that you’d not be able to fart for the whole of this month. While this may sound like a good news to you, the worse part is that the air will keep on accumulating in your intestines and you would start looking like The Nutty Professor. You would be able to finally pass the wind when February comes. If this thing shit scares you, you should practice kapal bharti and jog for three kilometers every morning.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
I’m sorry but you are going to have a nightmarish month ahead. You’d have strange apparitions and you’d hate everyone in this world. You’d feel that even the pigeons in your locality are showing their middle fingers to you. Your boss will hand over a horrible performance review just after you’d have invited him for a dinner at your house. If you are a student, you’d always find a pebble in your mess food. If you want to protect yourself from such calamities, you must take bath after breaking an egg on your head.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
A drunk old man will bless you with the finest wishes you might have ever received, and there is good chance that his blessings could come true. You would meet this old drunk man on a railway track in the middle of night on any lucky day of October. You are advised to spend most of your nights on railway tracks in order to bump into that elusive old man, who can change your life. If you let this opportunity go, you’d have to wait for another thirty five years.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 19)
Dude, it’s domestic violence awareness month, and beware, there is a good chance that your wife’d bash you up. She’d come to know about your secret affair with the cobler’s wife, for whom you’ve spent hours in the washroom (sitting on your commode) daily. Protect yourself against this impending danger by feeding wada-paav to three hungry hogs each Friday morning. If you are a woman, you don’t need to worry much, as your husband has already been warned. If you are a kid, you’re gonna have a rocking month seeing your parents behave really well with each other.
Pisces (February 20 – March 20)
You will develop a strange fetish for armpits this month, which might stick with you for the rest of your life. You will spend most of your time searching pictures of celebrity armpits and storing them on your personal computer. But the good news is that finally, you would have a genuine hobby of yourself, and would give up that lame stamp collection activity that you had started after that loser, calling himself a career counselor, came to your school and advised you to develop a hobby to get jobs or to get into top b-schools. You had liked the word philately and had started the stupid stuff, remember?
Animals Vs Humans in a Zoo
Animals of Nehru Zoological Park at Hyderabad have been left confused for the last couple of days as more than 25,000 people turned up to see them on the New Year’s Day.
Even though this event has now become an annual affair over the years in the city, it seems that the animals still have not become accustomed to it.
“Babbu the monkey has not eaten anything since today morning. He came here only a few months ago, and had witnessed such scenes for the first time. One man in green jeans and pink sweater was making faces at him and had brought his face very near to Babbu”, the zoo caretaker, adding, “But nothing to worry about. Babbu was in such a state of shock when he had seen himself in a mirror for the first time. He’d be alright within a couple of days.”
Other animals too have been showing minor symptoms of shock since the deluge of humanity came in close vicinity to them. The zoo was full of human voices and movements and the animals didn’t seem to have enjoyed the company, even though the United Nations has designated a year (I think it was 2010) as the International Year of Biodiversity.
Zoo authorities, who are IAS officers unlike the zoo caretaker, believe that the animals need to be educated about the UN resolution, so that they learn to respect co-habiting with human beings. Some of the authorities also believe that the animals could be suffering from enochlophobia and needed special medical attention, and have asked the state government to budget 13.32 crores rupees for the education and treatment of the animals.
But animal rights activist are blaming the happy human beings for the sad conditions of the zoo animals. “This is all bullshit. Animals are not used to such gatherings. Forget animals, even we don’t see such large gathering often in Hyderabad, unless there is some rally by a politician or a half-naked Bollywood actress comes for a performance. And, I don’t know why people want to start their year with seeing faces of monkeys and hippos. The government should make separate parks for such revelry.” Mr. Narender, an unsuccessful politician and an animal rights activist proposed. Taking a cue, Former Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh (which is headed for elections now), Smt. Mayawati has promised to make Ambedkar Parks in Telangana, if her party BSP was voted to power in the state.
How to Pray? What to Pray?
Once my Guru was at prayer. I went to him and said, “Guruji, teach me how to pray.” My Guru was known to explain anything with cryptic short stories. He narrated the following story. And, this is how he taught me how to pray…
Ram and Shyam were once walking through a field when they suddenly saw an angry bull racing towards them. With the bull in hot pursuit, they started running for the nearest fence immediately. Unfortunately, they soon realized that they may not make it. So, Ram shouted to Shyam, “We are done! Nothing can save us now. Quick! Say a prayer.”
Shyam, panting for his breath shouted back, “Raammmm…..I have never prayed in my life. And, I do not have a prayer for this occasion.”
“Never mind,” Ram shouted back. “Any prayer will do. The bull is catching up with us.”
“Well, I remember what my father used to say before meals; Ishwar, we are we truly grateful for whatever we have now and whatever we will receive.”
Summary
True Holiness is learning perfect acceptance of everything as-is. Nothing surpasses this.
Remember. In a game of cards called LIFE, you play with the cards in your hands to the best of your ability. If you insist on not playing with the cards in hand but with the ones you’ve expected, you have already failed.
We are not asked if we want to play. That’s not an option… Play we must! The option is how.
— Shukl’ ‘Jigyasu’
Change Your Silly Beliefs…Instead of Your Religion.
Long, long back, many, many years ago, an older woman who was an enthusiastic gardener declared that she had no faith whatsoever in assertions that someday scientists would learn to predict the weather accurately. According to her, God controls the weather and prayer was the only way to understand and forecast conditions.
During one summer, when she was away on a long trip, a drought hit the region and wiped out her entire garden. She was so upset when she got back saw this that she changed immediately her religion.
Stupid woman should’ve changed her silly beliefs!!!
Having Prayers Answered at the Right Time
It’s no good having our prayers answered
If they are not answered at the right time:
Long, long ago, in ancient Vedic India, prayers and Hawan/Homam, one of the Vedic rites, were said to be so scientific in application that when sages and seers prayed for rain, there was never any drought in the region.
Thus, a man named Shukl’ ‘Jigyasu’ set himself to pray, as per these rites, to Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth, begging her to make him rich.
He prayed to no effect for 10 long years. After that period of time, he suddenly understood the illusory nature of wealth. He then adopted the life of a renunciate in the Himalayas.
One day, Jigyasu was sitting in meditation and when he opened his eyes, saw before him an extraordinarily beautiful lady, all bright and shining as if she was made of gold.
“Who are you? What are you doing here in this mountain alone?” Jigyasu asked.
“I am Lakshmi, the goddess to whom you recited hymns for 12 long years,” said this woman. “I have appeared to grant you your boon.”
“Ah, at last!” exclaimed Jigyasu, “But my dearest goddess, I have since attained the bliss of meditation and lost desire for any wealth. You’ve come too late. Tell me, why did you delay for so long in coming?”
“To tell you the truth,” said goddess Lakshmi, “Given the nature of those prayers and rites you’ve performed so faithfully, you fully deserved and earned that wealth you were seeking. But, because of my love for you and for your own welfare, I held it back.”
Summary
If you were given a chance to choose, what would be your choice: granting of your petition/plea or the grace to be peaceful whether it is granted or not?
—- Shukl ‘Jigyasu’